Sooner or later the apocalypse’s sure to arrive. We think sooner. Ok, so it didn’t really show up on May 21st 2011, but there are big hopes for 2012. Unless you’ve invested in an iron man suit, a spaceship or built yourself a nuclear bunker, you’re gonna feel like a bell-end. The following items will ensure you survive. I’d suggest getting extras, which you can give to that hot marketing intern at work. You’ll need him/her to help repopulate the world.

Survival guide

Was it Denzel Washington or Chris Rock who famously said ‘I’d rather open a book than my wife’s legs’? This survival guide teaches you all the skills you’ll need when the world ‘as we know it’ crumbles – from getting fuel, food, and clean water to first aid, communications and self-defense. All for under $10.


When the end of the world arrives battery-powered flashlights will become as redundant as the Greek economy. This flashlight doesn’t require batteries and gives 50 000 hours of bulb life. That’ll come in handy if you’re stuck in a bunker for 6 years or planning on becoming a master in shadow puppetry.

Water purification

Unless you’re Jack Bauer you’ll need water to keep yourself alive. These crystals kill nasty water-borne bacteria (unfortunately not Johnny Depp) and have an unlimited shelf life. In case the apocalypse doesn’t happen for a few thousand years.

Tomato plant

You know that plant in Waterworld? The one that the mariner is looking after? That’s a tomato plant. Start growing one now because I can guarantee it’ll be worth its weight in gold when the apocalypse happens. Tomato also helps prevent prostate cancer, which would prove a hindrance in the post-apocalyptic world.

Surgical kit

A little more than $30 will get you this surgical kit, which includes scissors, sutures, scalpels and (for the more experimental of us) a ‘probe’. Essential for recovery from bullet wounds, zombie bites and – when times are hard – useful for self-harm.

Emergency food rations

Emergency food rations – the best value food on the planet? Four 2400 calorie bars for under $12. That’s cheaper than McDonalds! Probably taste like shit but surely preferable to eating the remains of your family, right? And if you have any spare they make great bricks.


Scare off wild animals/foreigners/starving children and signal to rescue vehicles using these flares. Or just get on your knees and re-enact the end of ‘The Rock’.

Two-way radio

Two-way radios, with a 35-mile range, will help you stay in touch with fellow survivors. For $50 you get to coordinate raids on CVS and say ‘over’ over and over. Until the apocalypse just give one to your mother/girlfriend/boyfriend, settle down in front of the TV and order in the beers/chocolate.

Jerry can

Don’t forget the jerry petrol can. Barter your petrol for food, sexual favors or keep it safe for fuelling the car in your escape from all the people who want your help.

Holy Bible

If you’ve seen ‘The Book of Eli’ you’ll know how important a bible will be when Armageddon comes our way. Obviously God doesn’t exist, so you’re probably just as well off buying a blank notepad. But this paperback is only $3 and it might be worth getting some Christians on your side (for the banter).


You’ll need something to put all your gear in. This pack has more pockets than a pair of trousers and plenty of straps on which to attach knives/tents/more knives. Although I’m just guessing because it’s so camouflaged I can’t see it.