It’s almost Valentine’s day and you’re on the internet looking for something – anything – for your boyfriend or girlfriend. Then you realize: you can’t think of anything because, in reality, you don’t really care about this person. Better yet, you want to break up with them! And what better and more memorable a day to do it on than the anniversary of the V-Day landings, February 14th. I mean, if it’s going to happen, it might as well happen in style. That’s where we come in. Here are 8 Valentine’s gifts that will definitely end (or at least begin the end) of your “relationship”.

One ticket to see Maroon 5

Nothing says/sings I want you to experience true pain better than Maroon 5 frontman and war criminal Adam Levine. Give one ticket to see this monstrosity to your insignificant other on Valentine’s day and it’s a guaranteed game over for whatever it was that you two called a relationship. If a Maroon 5 concert is the type of experience you wouldn’t wish on anyone, then why not gift the album and I imagine the result will be much the same.

Bald Guyz headwipes

If you are looking for a Valentine’s gift that says “I literally didn’t give a shit about what I bought you sweetheart” then Bald Guyz headwipes are for you. For the bald man / easily insulted woman in your life, these headwipes struggle to have any reason to exist on a normal day, let alone the most important day of your relationship this year. Good luck.

Weight loss self-help book

‘You’re fat, now lose it’ is the no-nonsense self help book from M. Specogna, which sensitively deals with issues surrounding obesity. The smile on her face when she opens this present will be priceless… in that it doesn’t exist so doesn’t have a price. takes no responsibility for any trauma to the face or cheek that may occur.

18″ Double-ended Dildo

INTD can’t guarantee complete, immediate break-up with this one – it’s more of a seed sower. Once you inception the idea that the double-ender can somehow rear it’s ugly head in your bedroom activities, it’s not going to go away. A true renegade gift. But be warned, serious questions will be asked.

Ladies Epilator – 48 tweezer hair remover

A great Valentine’s gift for the special woman in your life. She’ll completely understand that subtle hint you just gently placed in her lap and love you more for it…. Alternatively, you’ll be single before you can say “girls drink for free” and just to make sure it’s over forever, every time she uses it she’ll think of you and associate your face with the agony she’ll be in.

Expanzite – Male size and performance enhancing pills

There are few things in the world that if given as a gift to a man would cause an emotional breakdown. These pills are one of those things. Ladies, if you want to reduce that special guy in your life to a nervous heap of lip-quivering insecurity, then a gift that tells him that not only is his penis too small, he is also not very good with it, will probably do the trick. Now get out on the town like Sarah Jessica McBeal.

Bathroom scales

A classic break-up inducer, these bathroom scales help your partner keep a track of their body mass as they tone-up in order to find a new, more tactful, lover. Also, at $10 they’re cheap, giving you the Valentines day double whammy – “You’re fat, I’m cheap – let’s break up”.

A venereal disease

Not something you can buy. Well, not on amazon at least. Yet probably the most successful when it comes to something you can give on Valentine’s day that puts a spanner in the works. This has the INTD 100% break-up guarantee.
DISCLAIMER: Provided your valentine isn’t some sort of Hannibal-Lecter-come-Paris-Hilton type and hasn’t gone full pokemon on STDs and wants to collect the set.